I wasn’t even at work for an hour and I had to clean up vomit.

A chubby kid was running back and forth across one of the main halls and his father was standing right next to me trying to keep an eye on the kid and purchase whatever the hell he was purchasing. So kids screaming  which sounded like a fast chase mosquito-

“aaaaaaaHHHHHHHH- AAAAAAHhhhhhh”, zooming back and forth

“E-Esteb-Est- ESTEBAN!” the father yells out

Suddenly the kid stops right in front of me and hurls.

“WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT RUNNING WHEN YOU JUST ATE!?”

“Ayyyy apa, the pizza was just too much fun…”

I FOUND A BIG TEXAS CINNAMON ROLL IN MY HOUSE- SOMEONE SNUCK INTO MY HOUSE AND LEFT FOOD I’M NOT EVEN MAD BC SWEETS

another ~GIRLZ NITE~ in the hallway with Totem with booty rubbing r&b bc we “live fast die young”- his words not mine

OMFG I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM MY SISTA’ FROM ANOTHA’ MISTA’ IN THE MAIL AND I WAS TOO EXCITED TO WAIT SO I TORE IT OPEN IN THE CAR AND NOTHING BUT GOLDEN ASS CHEEKS AND PORK SWORDS CAME FLYING OUT. MY NANA WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. “WE’RE GOING TO CHURCH IN THE MORNING.”

Today was crazy hectic. We’ve been getting heavy rain and freezing cold weather out of nowhere, and these four kittens outside my window cry all night long.

I woke up in a panic because I realized that it was raining and the kittens were in a huge flowerpot in my garden. I raced to my window and there they were in a puddle of water. Shit. They’re drowning. where’s the mama cat???

It didn’t even sink in to put on appropriate clothing. I run out and I’m getting towards the pot and this thing flies out towards my face. OH. ok there’s the mama cat…

She wasn’t letting me anywhere near them. But they were going to die. I seriously felt like this was some sort of Fear Factor mission and time was ticking. So I went Rambo on it. I grabbed a broom and after a couple of failed attempts and one pissed off animal I  chased her out of the garden. But she was still right behind me pacing back and forth,hissing. Like ok do I continue on in hopes that she doesn’t maul me from behind and die or I call it quits and go curl up in a ball of wonderfully comfortable and warm blankets and die?
I didn’t realize that I was screaming so much because over the fence were my neighbors giggling the entire time underneath these massive umbrellas.

I grabbed a towel and started to grab the kittens one by one and take them into the patio to dry of. They looked like they were convulsing. It was so cold. But then panic mode set in. I ONLY FOUND 3 KITTENS. So there I went literally ripping my garden to shreds in order to find it and my neighbors thought they were being helpful. “It’s natural selection. You can’t mess with nature. It’s bound to happen!”

well not on my land , biatch

The last kitten was underneath a bunch of mulch and it wasn’t moving. UGH COMMENCE TEARS. I grabbed it and put it with the rest of the kittens. At this point the mama cat had already joined them in the corner. As soon as I set the kitten down she tried to come at me again. oooh *ROUNDHOUSE*!! Not really. But she got a couple in my head. I checked on them later on and ALL were alive and well. 

oh the emotional trauma~ But I didn’t want a kitty graveyard in my garden…

I see you, Lena Dunham. Yeah I’d have pride in taking credit for a show with THE COOLEST CAST OF GUYS too. and by guys I mean Adam Driver. He ran to you. Raaaaaaaaan, glistening in the sweet night while you looked like a little friar boy underneath your first world problems. AND THEN HE BROKE DOWN YOUR FUCKING DOOR LIKE THE BUILT MAN THAT HE IS AND SC- ugh I need a moment…SCOOPED YOUR ASS UP LIKE A PILLOW

I SEE YOU.

got out of work around 11pm and headed to Whataburger with a coworker and we’re sitting at a booth

the main door jolts open and this old man dressed in dirty rodeo circus attire with gloves and a cowboy hat runs into the place, holding his junk and is running to the restrooms. YEAHHHH OK

we’re eating and he sits right next to us. He’s messing with his phone and pretending to have a conversation into it and starts furiously banging it on the table. I’m facing him and he’s scooting closer and closer out of his booth. THEN HE GETS UP AND IS STANDING IN FRONT OF ME.

He’s asking me to see if I can raise his volume because he can’t figure it out. So as I’m holding his phone, something like the smell of booze and piss brings my eyes up to him and he has indeed pissed his pants. His zipper is open and he’s exposed. At this point I’m ready. PLEASE LAWD LET HIM MAKE A MOVE THAT WILL RELEASE YEARS OF LECTURES ON WEIRDOS LIKE HIM AND PENT UP AGGRESSION ON HIS DRUNK ASS. I JUST GOT OFF A DOUBLE SHIFT MOTHERFUCKER BRING IT. My friend lets out a scream and the cop outside (one is on patrol of every Whataburger after 10pm) is standing behind the glass door, his hand pressed against his belt, waiting. The men in the restaurant like leap up and escort him outside.

We had to wait for the cops to escort him off the property because he was “waiting for the young ladies”.

in middle school we were learning about the Roman Catholic Church and these mexican kids kept on screaming ‘pope’ (pronounced po-peh) which is WEDGIE in spanish and my white history teacher flipped out and stormed out of the room

ugh this girl at work has the cutest deco nails and she won’t tell me where she got them done

“ohhhh sum grl”

C’MON IT’S SO HARD TO FIND SOMETHING OTHER THAN THESE MEXICAN SALONS THAT LEAVE YOU LOOKING LIKE FUCKING WOLVERINE

Emotionally invested and singing my heart out on the highway tonight and I almost get run off by this tiny truck going over 100 mph. I think I’m safe and 7 state troopers come out of nowhere. HIGH SPEED CHASE, Y’ALL.

No, but this is like the 2nd time this month and I’m getting tired of seeing my neighborhood on Border Wars.

*shout out to the episode where the guy tried smuggling some mary jane at the local post office bc I was across the street getting my french toast on~!!*

I remember visiting my favorite kin Bobby one summer in Minnesota and we went to go see the premiere of Nacho Libre in this swanky ass theater. mind you I had no clue what the movie was or who starred in it. it’s the first five minutes and our giggles were acting up! You know that horribly awesome, side splitting laughter that leaves you watering at the mouth? well we were almost asked to leave lol

but the real adventure started once we left the theater. hell bent on getting some White Castle, Bobby nearly wrecked from still laughing while I tried to steer us to fast food royalty. as soon as we get there we can see this tiny black man dressed in what looked like a purple zoot suit with a massive white feather and a heavy black woman wearing practically nothing in the same shade of purple…maybe? it was dark. well we’d never seen anything like that so TO THE DRIVE THRU WE GO. He’s ordering and this white guy behind the counter is making fun of the way Bobby says ‘tiny burgers’ and he’s getting really pissed off. so we get our order and they mix it up with another so we go back to return it and the same guy calls the manager. I guess assuming since we are of the Latin fire we must only speak to ppl of our own aura. So the manager walks out and is like “yes im mexican how can I help you”

O K …

like we just wanted to chow down on our twenty or so tiny burgers George Lopez

so they refuse to serve us bc they are seriously mistaking Bobby’s weird accent as anger LOL and I guess at this point Bobby is ticked off and he just speeds off with the burgers clenched in his hands. (I’m laughing hysterically at his frustration) “FUCK THIS” he yells “FUCK WHITE CASTLE”— we pull to the corner red light only to see the tiny pimp and his lady of the night, on my passenger side, screaming and flicking off the lovely citizens of St. Paul and the woman is pulling up her… fabric. “AND FUCK THESE ASSHOLES TOO!”

then I hear some gears grinding, MY WINDOW IS DESCENDING, I am in a state of panic. He looks so evil. “bobby, NOoOoooOOooO, what are you doing?!” Thoughts are racing through my head:

1. is the light green yet?
2. what could he possibly say to end my life?
3. I mean, she cant hide (these specific weapons) in there could she?
4. GREEN GREEN GREEN GREEN

then Bobby did it. He chucked that bag of tiny burgers clean across the car and perfectly aimed it towards the pimps face. “BON APPETIT YOU FOOL”! and peeled out into moonlight

It’s 2 am and I’m a couple hours away from spending an entire day doing ‘fun filled activities’ with a friend tomorrow and I just DON’T. WANNA.

I’m fine here in my bed, watching movies, and hand feeding my chinchilla 4 lyf3 bc it makes me happy. and then we’re supposed to go to a bar to meet his friends and I guess it’s anxiety kicking in or the fear of not knowing how I’m going to react in a social environment with nothing but tejano music playing on repeat.

but I should be thankful that someone wants to hang out with me or that these are the only petty things I have to worry about bc life could be worse. ACTUALLY, there is something completely horrible going on in my life but I don’t know if I’m comfortable enough to share something that personal but if I do expect another mass text bc when are they not?

today my kmart crush bought me some chocolate during his break but I didn’t want it. so he bought me some different chocolate and I still didn’t want it. so I sold them to the pregnant girl working the register. 

MAKING MONAAAAAAY~ i’m expecting some sort of karma to punch me in the face but whatevz- STACKS ON STACKS ON STACKS BITCH

I wouldn’t say that I’m anti-social but there are some things that really piss me off. And one of them is mistaking my kindness as flirtation.

I’m in math and I ended up coming late to class the day of the seating assignment so instead of my usual seat alone in the front, I was forced to sit next to this chump and all his friends in the back.

So I notice this guy next to me is like really behind on the labs so I give him my notes which are practically all the answers. Yeah I pulled this one good karma card. He starts getting more friendly, slowly showing his social awkwardness. I didn’t pay much attention to him but one day I just sat there and spoke to him. THIS CLASS IS 3 HOURS BTW SO WE WERE CHATTING. IT. UP.

After a couple classes, I noticed his behavior a little more. At first I thought he was uncomfortable/nervous. NO. This kid has tics. I can’t even explain it. Like some kind of rituals?

At first it was just the tapping of his pencil at a rapid pace and the clearing of his throat. Then I noticed this little jump he makes after that. It’s super quick but he does it about every 5 minutes.

He continues to ask for help and he tells me that he has intense ADHD. So I feel bad and let him know that I’ll help him if he asks. He asks for my number in case he needs to contact me for help yadda yadda. I didn’t want to but I felt like people would hear me say no and I didn’t need to be labeled as the bitch this early in the year. So I forked it over. T_____T and I wrote it all tiny in hopes that his ADHD would kick in and he’d get frustrated and throw it out. HAHAAHA *ticket to hell*

BUT HE STARTS ASKING ON EVERY QUESTION. We do about 50 problems a day so- whatever. I started to feel like he was using this diagnosis as an excuse to do nothing so I’m annoyed at this point. Plus, he’s constantly asking me if I’d smoke with him or if I want to buy whatever he has to sell: phallic body piercings, U MAD BRO t-shirts, candy, etc.

Now I’m creeped out. So Monday I get to class and he’s there waiting and I sit down and he knows I’m pissed off. He needs help on a question so I’m using his pencil to write the problem down. As I’m being the best student ever I see that he is really jumping around and I glance just slightly to see what he was up to and THIS BITCH IS TUGGING ON HIS FUCKING JOHNSON. Like that’s why he jumps a little off his seat. He coughs, gropes himself, and cups his hand to his nose. I practically threw his pencil across the room! JEEEEEEEEEZUSSSSSSS.

I’m screaming internally. And I think this indian guy across the room saw it too bc we made dramatic eye contact for a good minute. At this point I’m just staring at the professor over my computer in hopes that my desperate eyes will read MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!

So I get my Ipod out and ignore him. After class he runs up to me and says “Hey, I’ll text you later tonight. Maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll send you a photo of my ferret jacking off! brohohoho!” and fucking skips off into his demented little world.

My phones been turned off since Monday afternoon and I’m terrified.

so in late text news, there was a big crack down at Kmart the other day because APPARENTLY (but I know for a fact bc I was offered) one of the managers was caught giving employees merchandise for practically free

I mean, there I was making the main corp proud, doing mah thang and the manager walks up to me and some coworkers and says if we ever need anything to go to him.

There were some new flatscreens for $1000 that came in so two of my friends went to him and HE SOLD THEM FOR $180 each

jesus take the wheel

Like I understand ppl like to make their own rules, BUT SHIT take a Kit-Kat or a pair of socks, not a brand new television that just went through security

and the best part is that the manager is denying everything even though they showed him the footage. HE’S STANDING AT THE REGISTER AND LOADING THE TVS INTO CARTS.

it’s glorious

So now a lot of people are getting canned. Including some ancient, loyal employees. Dropping like flies and I’m there 4 months in getting all kinds of promotions. 

Ha