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last night I had one of the greatest scares of my life and it wasn’t even my scene.  There are times where I look back and laugh at all the ridiculous shit that happens in my life. Then there are times where I have to look around and ask why??

Currently I work graveyard at a warehouse so my lunch schedule is from 2am-3am. If I’m feeling lazy, I’ll hop along with some coworkers to the Whataburger across the street. Living in a highly populated city so close to Mexico comes with a lot of surveillance and night patrol. One fact about the Valley is that between the hours of 12-6am there are police squads outside every. Whataburger.  Safety, right?

We pull up to the Whataburger parking lot and automatically we can hear voices screaming. We laugh that someone’s fighting (typical).  There’s a car parked in the middle driveway with its doors open and a young guy standing on his car watching another guy (I’m assuming his friend) bang up a nice ass truck while delivering multiple death threats. The truck reverses and hauls out of the parking lot. Then he turns to this little car right beside it and continues to bash it to pieces. This guy is irate and no one wants to get into it. Better safe inside, but I noticed that there were no police squads. What are the chances? The only thing I’m thinking is this fool better not be drunk and decide to drive into the facility while I’m trying to enjoy my Whatameal. lil bitch~

We’re walking to the front door and we continue to hear death threats as this guy is shaking the car from side to side. “OPEN THE DAMN DOOR. I SWEAR WHEN I GET IN THERE. WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. I DON’T CARE IF I’M GOING TO JAIL, YOU DUMB BITCH I’M GONNA KILL YOU”, as he’s destroying the vehicle.

Then I hear I blood curdling scream. “SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE”

I squint to see inside the car and it’s a young girl. She looked no older than 25 y/o. She’s on the passenger side clawing on the window to get anyones attention. You guyyyyyyyyys… I jump.

I run up to the car and tell him to back up bc the police were on their way. That he was on camera, yada yadda. But he continues on and actually shatters the window. He’s climbing inside. The girl is screaming even louder. I run inside to get more ppl to come out and I TURN TO SEE A FUCKING SECURITY GUARD ( not a cop, don’t fight me on this one- they ain’t got no gun! ) SITTING HER HAPPY ASS DOWN EATING A NUMBER 5.

I’m mad. I know you can hear them out there screaming and you want to play deaf? longest sigh of my life.

I tell her in front of everyone in there, that there’s a domestic dispute outside and a girl needs her help and she grabs a napkin, wipes her mouth, and walks outside. I swear, ya should have stopped to take a shit too.

LOL this guy sees that I brought out the security and starts to chase me around the parking lot. OMFG. Something took over me because I was Usain Bolt !!! At this point thank the high heavens that the rest of my coworkers with sketchy criminal backgrounds and face tattoos showed up to whoop his ass for making me run.

I grab the girl and take her inside. She’s convulsing at this point, can hardly breathe. And we wait for the cops to come while my vatos outside sit on this guy.

Seriously had to take photos to show our boss why we were returning late. //ALL OF THE LIGHTS

Ohhh daaamn, that’s that bad bitch Medicinal.
chick behind me during the Maleficent trailer

Customer service is a bitch and a half. Last night was a regular shift. When the lines are too long, I start announcing that I can check ppl out in service. This old guy RAN to me. And a red flag should have gone up bc no one else followed him. It’s like these mexicans listened to their sixth sense and were like “yeah, you deal with that thing, it ain’t holy.”

He’s holding a box of gloves but tells me that he’s waiting for a hunting knife that one of my associates was going to bring up here. So we’re waiting. And waiting. I’m calling to the back. And waiting some more. A bunch of my associates are crowding behind my counter with distance to see what’s going on for some fkn reason.

SO THERE WE ARE. Then he starts getting hostile. He’s sweating profusely. He’s about 45+,  asian, sporting a Bieber cut (circa debut era) and is starting to give me the creeps. “SO CAN YOU CALL HIM AGAIN I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO DO”, he yells. “Uhhh sir! Take it down a notch…”, I say. “They’re on their way, unless you want me to call a manager.” But no one was coming. I knew something was up. So then I see my manager jetting up to my counter and the guy runs out of the store. LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON!! Right????

The manager comes up to me all scared. “He was a psycho. Not right in the head. He was going to use the knife to kill someone.”

WUT.

Yeah. Apart from looking like a ratchet mess, I didn’t see this, but they said his pants were torn up, like slashed, and he had a huge gash going down the side of his leg.  And when he was checking out the knives he was asking some really weird questions like, “Is this plastic, bc the blood will just make it slip right out of my hands” and “but can this cut into human flesh easily?” and the top remark of them all… “yeah, I’m gonna kill someone”

Like listen. If you knew that this bitch was admitting to wanting to commit bodily harm on someone WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT GONNA A) call the cops, B) stay away, and C) ALERT THE AWESOME PRINCESS BEAUTY (me) IN CUSTOMER SERVICE WHO COULD HAVE DIED!?

Like what if he was armed?? HUH?? I was standing right in front of him serving some fresh attitude while he was growing impatient. The nerve.

I’ve been so swamped with work and school that I’ve been slacking in my stories tag but ALAS, something went down.

My mother and her fiance, Willie, came to visit me this weekend and we were at WalMart getting new tires for my truck. My mom went inside to check out some ~vehicle accessories~ so Willie and I were sitting outside in the garage watching the guys work on my truck. Well Willie is a horse of another color. I get along so well with that little psycho. So there was this phone hooked up against the wall and he decided to pick it up and pretend to have a conversation.

"WAS UP GUEY, QUE PASA. NADA MAN, JUST HERE IN WALMART PASSING TIME. OH-OH YEAH YOU LIKE THEM FAJITAS, HUH? BEST IN THE WEST LIKE YO MOMZ HOMEz" and he’s slowly cracking up as he’s delivering this monologue that continues for a while and mind you, he has this deep husky voice.

Suddenly my mom appears, banging on the door (she had to wait for the people to buzz her out of the side door) so that he could stop. So she finally comes out in a panic. “NO YOU DIDN’T WILLIE. GUILLERMO! WHY?” This fool was actually using the phone that connects to the store speaker. SO EVERYONE IN THE STORE COULD HEAR HIM.

and I’m laughing so hard at his stupid fucking terrified face because lord knows what my moms going to do to him.

got pulled over tonight because, “Ma’am did you know you just rolled a stop?”

…Mr. Officer, you just pulled an illegal u-turn and went 40 miles over the speed limit to catch me. Arrest you, you animal.

My sister: *operatic singing* HAIL MARY... FORGIVE ME
//closes bathroom door//

This just in on ‘MY BEST FRIEND IS PERFECT’ news, I received the greatest influx of texts explaining Susie’s current dilemma:

"So my roommate has a boy over but I refuse to leave the living room because a new episode of ghost adventures is gonna come on soon. It’s awkward but idgaf"

LOOK AT HER IN HER COMFY STATE. THAT POSITION SAYS- “I AM HERE, PASS THE BEER”. NOW THAT IS DEDICATION. Naturally I laugh and see how it plays out. I mean, to cockblock or not, right? But anyone that enjoys GA knows how horribly wonderful that show is. *Aaron and his O-faces over here* And just look at those socks. mm-m. Then I get another text:

"SUCCESS!!!" Battle won. May your night be filled with absurd terror, little one. You deserve it.

went and bought a hoopty truck from a sketchy man in mexico and the truck is blue and I need a running start to get in because it’s too high up and I can now squash these scary cholos that love to tail my car, and squash my neighbor that continues to call the cops on me, and squash some more, AND THERE’S ACTUAL WORKING A/C IN IT SO I WON’T GET EXTRA CRISPY IN THIS 106 DEGREE VALLEY HEAT, and I also might get my little cow dog Weezer back so LIFE IS GOOOOOOOOOOD~

Today is my sister’s birthday and we headed over to my grandparents place for some surprise shenanigans and wowwwwwww

My sister was standing around her cake, posing for pictures, and my Nana was all trigger happy with her little Iphone “OK, WHY DO YOU HAVE A 5 O’CLOCK SHADOW, SARAH?!” She passes the phone around so everyone can check out my sisters transformation. Then my Nana gets this serious look on her face and practically stops talking for a sec. “NO REALLY LOOK- O-OH NO- THOSE ARE- SARAH WHATS THIS?!”

There were these massive dust orbs surrounding my sister but this ONE long, oval light was a little taller than my sister and was standing to the left of her. Now my Nana is ridiculously religious. You got a bad grade? You messed your foot up? You haven’t had a bowel movement in a couple days? SHE’S GOT A PRAYER AND SOME ELIXIR.

Well this freaked my Nana out because this wasn’t my sisters first encounter with these balls of light. We went to some haunted mansion in Colorado one summer and the hostess up front tried to scare us by stating that the spirits would appear in photographs. So we go through the mansion and are about to leave when the nosey hostess asks to see the photos we took. I was in about every photo, posing in every room soaking up the environment with no shame, and my sister being self conscious, stood in only one photo with me and the very end of the tour. She was standing right next to me and she was surrounded by these fkn balls of all sizes. It looked like she was shooting an ad for Dippin’ Dots and there I was ridin’ solo. The hostess up front flipped the fugg out and wanted a copy of the photo, going on and telling my sister that she was someone they knew in a past life and what not but the chick also that she was a legit fairy. Like sported pointy ears, and wore lilac from head to toe SOOOOOO….

OK NOW we’re at my Nana’s and she doesn’t want to jump to conclusions and freak out so she’s trying to rule out all the possibilities and tries changing the lighting, moving to another location, cleaning her lens, restarting her phone and its still there by my sisters side. All of a sudden my Nana leaps to my sisters side and starts slapping the air and screaming, “I JUST WANT A NICE PICTURE, GO AWAY YOU STUPID THING!” and as she’s turning around- she trips- “YOU SONUVABISH!!!!” She runs back and has her hands in the air as though she’s choking it out, shaking with fury. “YEAH… float away”, she whispers and continued taking pictures.

I cried for about 10 minutes straight.

it’s lame that I start off every other story with “TELL ME WHY…”

but really.

TELL ME WHY- I’M ALWAYS GETTING MYSELF INTO ALTERCATIONS WITH FEMALE MEXICANS. I went to Ihop with some friends and the moment we got there we were ‘greeted’ by some rude waitress with a gum smacking problem who rushed us to our booth. Because we were expecting some more ppl I asked if we could please be seated at a table. She immediately shut me down, “Oh no that’s off limits.” The table was two feet away within the same area. It’s not like I was asking for a party room. But whatever it’s wasn’t no thing, yet.

So as soon as we sit down like AS SOON AS MY ASS TOUCHED THE PEELING PLEATHER, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?! LET ME GET IT NOW SO IT CAN BE DONE.” Uhhh ok. We just ended up ordering the same fruit drink to make it simple. When she returned with the drinks she slid them across the table, each of them clashing into each other and spilling, only to ask “Soooo are you all gonna order anythingggg… or not?”

I politely told her no- that we were only gonna have drinks right now but maybe later. And she scoffed and nodded her head. She then disappeared for about an hour until we hunted her down for refills. Instead of asking what we wanted, she came, grabbed our drinks across the table and took off. When she returned with them my friend Michael was like, “ohhh excuse me miss can we have some stra-.” but she had run off. She obviously heard him because 5 minutes later she sprints past our table and THROWS THE STRAWS ON HIM.   x __ x

At this point I’m thinking. Apparently when I’m in deep thought I look terrified out of my mind. But I was on a wire, man. I wasn’t scared of her I was scared about the predicament. I like to think of the worst scenarios so I’m prepared before taking action. Now I’m not one to complain or get all fussy about something but she really did it when I heard her threatening us through the walls. This chick was YELLING in the back about us being crazy and rude for not ordering anything and asking for refills. Then I heard her spill some crude comments about my friends and the ‘pendeja in glasses’ and I was LIT UP LIKE A MEXICAN PRINCESS ON FIRE.

BRING ME A MANAGER. I’m not paying for anything. Fuck that. The drinks themselves were about 4 bucks and then to be threatened. I literally asked my friend to move so I could get the edge seat because I really thought she was gonna come and try something on me. Oh I was ready to flyyyyyy. Like how embarrassing is that? To prepare yourself for a public altercation in a fucking Ihop. And this ain’t the first time I’ve gotten riled up at an Ihop- I mean I should swear it off completely but damn, they got some good breakfast so I’ll compose myself from time to time for some beef tips~!!

But in the end, she didn’t do anything. When the manager came out looking all pelon with tattoos all over his neck and stuff I was like ‘Awwwhh shit, they’re probably messing around together and I’m about to die’ but he crackered up real quick, “How are you ma’am? How can I help you?” So I was good. I explained to him how I felt and politely asked that chick to come out so I could speak to her and she wouldn’t. AND I STILL LEFT HER A TIP TO WIPE THEM TEARS WITH, COCHINA.

ooooooh the Dexter season recap was emotional~ Nearly kicked my headboard through the window with happiness. I can finally get my crime scene fix since Hannibal finished.

*knuckle crack* Ok, let’s do this.

Deb, Debbie, Debra. Your constant moans and groans in the beginning are out of control. Flush those other pills and get some Ritalin in your system. I know she needs to make things right but she’s gonna be such a problem. And I’m tired of your FUCKING POTTY MOUTH GAT DAMNIT !!!!
-but I have to admit Jennifer Carpenter is an incredible actress because my angst towards her character pushes boundaries.

And I am like sssuper esssited about this new character, Vogel. Finally some fresh, original dialogue that doesn’t lead me to a straight conclusion. And I’m digging that natural Joker smile she’s sporting. “You’re perfect.” Yeah, you trying to climb that tree.

And lastly, how did Harrison’s stuffed animal get that much blood on it? Lil’ homie better not be sneaking out and picking off the alley cats!

Yesterday was a huge ball of intense. I’m trying to figure out where I’m going in the next two years and growing up is a huge headache being financially independent at such a young age. I was near a breakdown and my sister runs into my room “DONT WORRY ASHLEY! IF ALL ELSE FAILS I GOT PLAN B. SUCKY SUCKY FIVE DOLLLAAAAA!!!”

So now we’re going to look at apartments around town and my neon blue nails are all chipped and looking a ratchet mess. AND I HAVE NO NAIL POLISH REMOVER. Take me seriously!!

I just woke up from a dream where my cousin and I road tripped our way across the US to different beaches staying with random ppl and one day it was super hot and she went and bought herself a raspa and didn’t buy me one. And she was like NO ASHLEY YOU ALREADY HAD CHEESECAKE. And I almost cried.

So I texted her about it after I woke up and the bitch just bought some cheesecake

T______________________________T

I wasn’t even at work for an hour and I had to clean up vomit.

A chubby kid was running back and forth across one of the main halls and his father was standing right next to me trying to keep an eye on the kid and purchase whatever the hell he was purchasing. So kids screaming  which sounded like a fast chase mosquito-

"aaaaaaaHHHHHHHH- AAAAAAHhhhhhh", zooming back and forth

"E-Esteb-Est- ESTEBAN!" the father yells out

Suddenly the kid stops right in front of me and hurls.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT RUNNING WHEN YOU JUST ATE!?"

"Ayyyy apa, the pizza was just too much fun…"

I FOUND A BIG TEXAS CINNAMON ROLL IN MY HOUSE- SOMEONE SNUCK INTO MY HOUSE AND LEFT FOOD I’M NOT EVEN MAD BC SWEETS